


Dead or Alive

by Anonymous



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: M/M, Supernatural - Freeform, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-23 17:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6125011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya is a spirit. Rather than being upset about his death, though, he's actually quite over-joyed at being able to see other people's reactions to his death, but they don't turn out as expected. (Don't worry, the story isn't as bad as the summary ^^|l| )</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I am right here (1)

_So pathetic._

 

That is what I thought as I saw the man with my features lay in the hospital bed, crumpled and bleeding, as the countless surgeons tried to operate on him. No. The man didn’t just have my features… he _was_ me. The same ebony black hair, pale skin, thin build, and behind those closed-shut eyelids, were my crimson irises. My heartbeat continued to slow down, the interval between each beat increasing. Their trivial attempts at getting my heart beating again with the use of defibrillators were proving useless. _I am going to die_ was the last thought that went through my mind before the room was filled with a singular, droning sound of my silent heart.

 

* * *

 

 _Well, at least now I would get to know who would mourn for me._ I thought as I skipped merrily towards my apartment. Of course, I knew that everyone’s reactions would be the exact opposite of mourning, but that didn’t do anything to reduce my excitement!

 

As I got off the elevator on my floor, I wondered if I would have to open the door like I normally did, or if I could just slide across the door like in all of those horror movies. Once I reached my apartment’s door, I soon discovered that the latter did the trick just as well. As soon as I entered my flat, the first thing I noticed was that it was a mess, filled with boxes of all sorts. In the middle of the mess stood three females - one was a women, and the other two were girls. _Mairu, Kururi and Namie-san. Perfect._ I would be able to see their reactions already!

 

The phone rang and Mairu picked it up. ‘Moshi moshi? Ah! Mom! Yeah, yeah. We’ve packed up pretty much all the important stuff. Don’t worry, the courier guy’s gonna come soon, then Kuru-nee and I’ll leave and return back to our place. Mhm. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I did. Bye!’ She sure sounded really cheerful for a sister whose brother just died yesterday. _But, then again, that’s expected of Mairu._

 

‘Say… [What did mother say?]’ Kururi got out.

 

‘Ah! She just said that since Iza-nee won’t be able to provide us anymore, she and father will take care of our expenses and will mail us money every month. We’ll probably get even more than Izaya-the-miser gave us, Kuru-nee!’ That made me frown. What was I? Their personal bank account? And anyway, I didn’t give them too much money because they may become spoiled. I, myself, had no care for money and buying unnecessary expensive thing. Did they not feel the slightest tinge of sorrow?! Oh, well, they _were_ _my_ sisters. _I wonder how everyone else feels about my death._

 

I saw Namie hold a box in her arms. _Celty’s head._ It would definitely fit in a box of that size. I also noticed that she was on the phone speaking to someone. ‘Oh, don’t worry, Seiji! I’ll be able to spend even more time with you now that Izaya’s dead!’ I almost flinched when I heard her put forth my mortality so bluntly. ‘Ah, Seiji, don’t say that~! I _do_ need to meet you and spend time with you-’ The doorbell rang. Namie let out a frustrated grunt, and then went back on her phone to tell Seiji ‘I’ll call you back in a moment, okay?’

 

Namie walked over and opened the door; two guys dressed in blue jumpsuits and white t-shirt stood there. _Must be here to shift stuff._ They walked in, and as Namie instructed them what to take, I moved out. _I wonder what she’ll be doing with my computers and the information… Probably use it for herself._

 

I used the train to get to Ikebukuro, amazed at how I could move through walls and the like whenever I wanted to, and didn’t when I didn’t want to. For example, I could easily pass through the gates, but I wouldn’t fall through the train’s floor. After I got off the train, I started walking towards Shinra’s. Celty may be able to see and hear me, you know, being a Dullahan and all.

 

On my way to his house, I spot four familiar faces. _Kadota’s gang. I wonder if they know about my death._ Wearing my invisible smirk, I join them. Walker and Erika were talking about the usual stuff - anime and mangas. Apparently the new chapter of a manga had just come out and it had been really frustrating and confusing. Dotachin was listening to Togusa rant about someone who put a scratch on his car; I immediately felt sorry for the poor man who had done that.

 

That was when Kadota’s phone just rang. ‘Yes, it is. Oh, okay. Oh. I understand. Yes, thank you.’ Everyone’s attention was on Kadota now. ‘So… umm… guys... I need to tell you something.’

 

 _Ahhh…_ I thought, a grin creeping it’s way up my face. _There it is._

 

‘Izaya…’ he continued, ‘well... he’s dead.’ Everyone’s eyes widened at that.

 

_Yes! That’s the kind of reaction I was hoping for! Utter and sheer shock and disbelief! How could the great Orihara Izaya have died!_

 

‘What?! How?!’ Erika exclaimed.

 

‘Probably because of meddling in someone else’s affairs. You know how that guy is. I think he deserved it. Ikebukuro - no, the whole world - would be a better place without him.’ I frown at Togusa’s words. I always knew that my humans hated me, but this is not the reaction they should be having! They should be feeling shock, disbelief, reluctance to accept my death, doubt. Not relief!

 

‘You are probably right, but that person _was_ somewhat of a friend of mine.’ Kadota argued. Really, Dotachin? A friend? ‘I wonder if there’ll be a funeral for him.’

 

‘Probably not. After all, his sisters can’t arrange one; his parents will have to be there, and they are overseas and busy, so I don’t think there will be a funeral.’ Walker answered Kadota.

 

‘Yeah… you’re probably right…’

 

I start to walk away from them. _Couldn’t_ you _hold a funeral for me, then?! The one who insisted on referring to me as a friend?!_

 

When I finally reach Shinra’s, I feel a little relieved. A little, but still relieved. Hopefully, Celty will be able to know what to do with me in spirit form. I may even be able to back into my body! I entered the house to see a sleeping Shinra. _Does this guy even know that his friend has died. What kind of a friend_ is _he?!_ Just then the doorbell rang and Shinra sprung up on his feet and went to get the door. _Well, I guess he was just lying down then._

 

‘Celty, darling! Wait for me~!’ He said out loud enough for the person - probably Celty - on the other side of the door to hear it. Shinra opened the door and instantly jumped to hug her, only to get engulfed by pitch black shadows. Celty showed him her PDA, which probably had something along the lines of “don’t do that again” typed on it. Celty walked in and I stepped in front of her, too hopeful for myself, but when she just walked past me without even questioning my presence, I knew she couldn’t see me. I still tried, though.

 

‘Hey, Celty!’ I shouted as loud as I could, but my voice was lost in the empty space. _Even she can’t sense me._

 

‘Hey, Celty, I have something I need to tell you.’ Shinra said, after the shadows finally let go of him.

 

[What is it, Shinra?] Celty asked.

 

‘It’s about Izaya.’ He said.

 

[Ugh… What did he do this time…?]

 

‘Actually, he didn’t do anything this time.’

 

[Wha- Seriously?!] I roll my eyes. _Well,_ excuse me _for not doing anything this time._

 

‘Well, actually he may have… kind of… which could be why it turned out like this… but…’

 

[Shinra! What is going on?!] Yeah. Just tell her already.

 

‘Izaya is… well… he’s dead.’

 

Neither of them said anything for a while.

 

[So… one of his plans backfired or something?]

‘Maybe… I don’t know…’ He then laughed nervously. ‘Not like I can ask him now, anyway. But, I still want you to be careful. If Izaya did stir something up, you may get involved. I don’t want you to get hurt.’

 

[Hold on, Shinra! Your friend just died today! Shouldn’t you be worrying about _him_?!]

 

Shinra just shrugged nonchalantly. ‘I can’t really do anything now. Plus, he probably got what he deserved. Right now, you are my top priority. Be careful.’

 

[You don’t need to worry so much about me Shinra. I know how to take care of myself.]

 

‘Oh, but, my dear Celty~! It’s my job as your lover to worry about you~!’ He said in his cheery voice as he leapt up to hug her, only to get bound in shadows, yet again.

 

I walk out of the house, too irritated to stay a second longer. _What is_ with _everyone!_ As I stroll through the streets of Ikebukuro, I have no exact place in mind that I want to go to. I would occasionally hear light murmurs about Orihara Izaya’s death, but as the news spread wider and wider as each second ticked by, the murmurs became so frequent, that they could easily be heard; after all, everyone said the same thing and had the same name on their lips - Orihara Izaya. Occasionally, I would even come across a few Yellow Scarves’ members, which would make me wonder how the trio is doing, now that I’m dead. My news of death must have surely reached their ears. Observing them the way I was now was no fun. No fun at all. I wonder how the Awakusu are doing. Shiki must’ve just gone and hired a new informant. And that was when a loud roar suddenly jolted me out of my thoughts.

 

‘IIIIIZAAAAAAYAAAAAA!!!!!’

 

_Shizuo?_

 

‘You damn flea! Like hell you are dead! _I_ could never kill you! You can’t die _that_ easily, you bastard!’

 

 _Ahh… Of course. Shizu-chan’s too thick-headed to believe my death._ I scoff. _Not that this isn’t entertaining._

 

‘Hey! Shizuo! Wait! Where are you even going?!’ His boss, Tanaka Tom, called from behind him as he tried - and failed miserably - to catch up to him.

 

‘To Shinjuku to his apartment to beat his ass! Where else?!!’

 

_My apartment?!_

Obviously, I couldn’t have kept up with his pace, so I took the train back to Shinjuku while the protozoan just went on foot, too clouded by his fury to realise he could’ve just taken the train. I reach the apartment building and see him waiting for the elevator. _He reached before me? How can he be faster than a train?! I know he’s a monster, but this is just..._ I climb into the elevator with him and he presses the button to the respective floor. Later ensued the most amusing ten seconds of my life. The monster of Ikebukuro and the Informant of Shinjuku, standing next to each other without projectiles being thrown in the air. How sad it was that no one was there to record it down in a history textbook. _Even if someone_ was _there, it’s not like they would’ve been able to notice me._

 

There is a _ding_ and Shizuo and I step out. My door was right in front of us. Shizu-chan, being shizu-chan, didn’t bother to ring the bell, but instead, just kicked the door down. _Well, at least I don’t have to pay for that now._

 

‘Oi! Flea! Where are yo-’ He stopped mid-sentence to stare at all the boxes and the packing.

 

 _See, Shizu-chan? I really am dead. I died before you. You survived for longer._ My features turn sour as I think the next line: _You won._

 

‘Ah! I see! So you’re running away, are you?!’

 

You have no idea how badly I wanted to facepalm at that moment. Namie, who must have heard the obvious commotion, came running down the stairs that lead to the second floor.

 

‘Heiwajima Shizuo?’ She asked, surprise obvious in her tone.

 

‘Yeah! Now, where’s that louse hiding?!’ He asked her, and I could see multiple veins bulging out of the side of his forehead.

 

‘Huh? You didn’t hear? Izaya is-’

 

‘Yeah, yeah! I’ve heard all those rumors!’ He cut her off. ‘But for all I know, it was him who spread them! Now tell me, where is he?’ He pointed to all the boxes. ‘He’s obviously trying to run away, so I’m gonna kill him before he does.’

 

‘Heiwajima-san, I’m telling you. Izaya really is dead. You can call the hospital. You can even search the entire house if you want, just don’t unpack any of the boxes, it was a hard task packing everything. Also, all of that stuff is getting shipped overseas to his parents’ house, since this flat will be sold and his sisters don’t need it.’

 

‘Wait! How did he die?!’

 

She raised an eyebrow. ‘You don’t know? He-’

I feel a weird swirling feeling engulf me, as if the world was spinning a bit too fast on its axis.

 

‘Oh,’ was what I heard once the feeling disappeared. It was Shizuo.

 

Seeing that Shizuo was content with the answer he had gotten, Namie went back upstairs. ‘Also,’ she shouted over her shoulders, ‘the other movers-and-packers truck will be arriving soon, so please don’t disturb them while they’re doing their work.’

 

Shizuo went over to a sofa, about to sit down on it, head in his hands. ‘So he really did die, huh, that flea. Dammit! I was supposed to kill you! You can’t just go ahead and die like that!’ Okay, so, maybe he wasn’t about to sit down on the sofa. Instead, he picks it up and throws it over, my computer just _barely_ missing getting hit.

 

I know it’s of no use to me anymore, but I still feel a sense of relief wash over me when it doesn’t get hit. _Habit, eh?_ I think as I hear Namie scream something, but she doesn’t come down. I guess she knows he wouldn’t listen anyway.

 

‘How dare you die like that… You can’t die… You aren’t allowed to die… _I_ had to kill you…’

 

 _Well, I am_ so sorry _that you weren’t the one to end my life, Shizu-chan._ I had to roll my eyes at that one. I know he’s a protozoan, but how stupid could he be?!

 

‘This isn’t right…’ he continued, much softer now. ‘No… I was sure I could still… That stench… it was still there. I _knew_ you were alive! But, I guess I was wrong…’

 

_How mean, Shizu-chan! I don’t sme- Wait, what. You can smell me? ...You can sense me?!_

 

‘Shizu-chan?’ I call out weakly. ‘Shizu-chan?’ Now with a bit more strength in my voice. ‘Shizu-chan!’ I shout.

 

…

 

And he flinches.

 

‘Shizuo!’

 

‘Izaya...?’

 

I shout and he mutters. Simultaneously. He can hear me. He can hear me! His eyes look up, dazed, almost as if he were about to cry…

 

‘Izaya!’ He gasps in disbelief, eyes wide in surprise.

 

_He can see me._

 

He lunges forward, as if he were going to strangle me, and though I knew that he would just pass through, I still flinch. But, neither does he try to strangle me, nor does he pass through me. Instead, I find myself in his embrace as he mutters the words ‘Izaya. You are alive.’

  
And that was when everything changed.


	2. Where are you (1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say that Izaya finds out two shocking truths. (Bad summary is bad. I promise the chapter's way better... ^^|l|)

I was no longer in my apartment, but instead, was looking at a sheet of white. I later realised that I was, actually, looking up at a white ceiling. I felt someone touch my right arm, so I turned my head to see who it was, but was overcome by dizziness. My head spun, I squeezed my eyes shut, and my hands flew up, instinctively, to cover my face. The hand that had touched my arm grasped it and gave it a slight squeeze and a shake, but my head was hurting too much to try to check who it belonged to. After a few torturous moments, the pain receded and I was finally able to turn and get a good look at the person beside me. I was immediately greeted by a familiar face. Well, saying face wouldn't be completely accurate.

[Are you okay?!] The PDA she held displayed.

'Yeah…' I say. 'But… how can you-' and then I realised what had happened. _A dream? Impossible! It felt so real!_

['How can I' what?] I realised I had paused for too long

'Oh... uh... nothing.'

[It's fine if you feel a little dazed. You were in a coma for 4 months, now, after all.] My eyes grow wide as soon as I read the little characters displayed on the screen.

' _Coma_?! For _four months_?!'

[Yes.]

Saying that it's a _little_ too hard to digest would be a lie. It almost like being hit by a freaking freight train! Of course, that simile wouldn't be applicable to Shizu-chan. _Shizu-chan… If that really was a dream… why did I dream of him doing something like that?_

'How… I mean, what happened, that caused me to go into a coma?'

[You mean to say that you don't remember?]

I sighed. 'My dear Celty, why would I have asked you if I did?'

[Oh… yeah… that's true. Well, you kind of fell down]

I raise an eyebrow. 'Just fell down?' My mouth curves up from one end. 'That surely wouldn't make me go into a _coma_ for _four whole months_ , black biker-san.'

She slumped her shoulders, as if sighing, and started typing again. After she was done she showed the PDA to me. It read: [It looks like you were dealing information with someone, but the deal went wrong and they were going to shoot you. But… well… things happened and instead, you slipped and hit your head hard against a ledge, causing you to go into a coma. You should be glad your skull didn't break…]

I frowned. "Things"? What "things"? 'What do you mean by 'thi-'

'Ah! Izaya! You're awake! Finally! It's been four months, you know!' An overly cheerful voice cut me off. 'We were going to give up and cut your oxygen supply, you know? Mercy killing and all. Good thing you woke up before we did tha-' Shinra stopped speaking mid-sentence when he saw the glare I was giving him.

'You were going to do _what_?' I hissed, my voice seething with rage.

'Hey! It was just a joke! Just a joke!' Shinra raised his hands up, palms outwards, as if he were surrendering. 'Anyway, how are you feeling right now?!' He tried to smoothly change the subject and failed pathetically.

'Like shit.' I groaned. I still felt slightly dizzy, even after that small bout.

Shinra laughed. 'Of course you do! Anyway, let's check your vitals and see if everything's running the way it should.'

That was when Celty left the room and let Shinra do his work. After a few rounds of check up and a question-and-answer session, which contained questions that had answers that Shinra should've already been knowing, Shinra finally said 'okay, you are good. Though, that feeling of dizziness and confusion may stay for a week or so.'

I groaned. A week. That's just great. Curse this damn coma. And that was when I remembered something I had completely forgotten about. 'Shinra,' I asked, 'how did I go into a coma?'

He raised an eyebrow at me. 'You mean Celty didn't tell you already? Or… do you want to know what causes the human brain to go under a comatose state? If that's the case then-'

'You are hiding something.' I state matter-of-factly. It wasn't even a deduction, just an obvious observation. First Celty and now him.

'Hiding something from you? Never!' He laughed, but his laugh came off as nervous. Shinra was never nervous. And if he was, he never showed it so obviously.

'Shinra, when Celty was explaining to me how I fell, she said ' _things_ ' happened. Exactly _what_ happened?' I pushed him further.

We just stared at each other for the longest time ever. His expression changed from that of nervousness to that of conviction, while mine stayed the same - somewhere between blank and challenging. When his shoulders finally drooped and he let out a sigh, I knew I had won. He looked up at my with an expression I had never seen on his face before.

'Alright. I'll tell you exactly what happened. You were in an alley in Ikebukuro, dealing information. Celty told you the deal went wrong, right? Well, Celty and… _Shizuo_ were talking near the alley's entrance when they heard a few shouts. They were loud and kind of... pissed Shizuo off, so he went in to punch the people who were shouting, and Celty followed behind him while trying to convince him to let it go. When they reached the place where the guys were, they saw that one of them was holding a gun against the other… The other being you. Celty said that what happened next was like a blur. Shizuo charged in and pushed you, so that you wouldn't get shot. He kind of pushed you too hard and you hit your head really hard against the concrete ledge and went into a coma. So, yeah. _Things_ happened.'

_That stupid protozoan! He's the reason I went into a coma! Can't we have_ any _control over his power?!_ I sighed. 'So you're telling me that my coma is all the monster's fault, eh?' I growled.

Shinra clenched his hands at this. Clenched his hands? He was angry? Why?! _I_ should be the one who's angry! He looked up at me with a glare. 'I'm telling you… that _you currently even breathing_ is the _monster's fault._ '

I raised an eyebrow. Okay. Something was definitely wrong. 'Shinra… is everything… alright?'

'No, Izaya! Nothing's "alright"!' He snapped, raising his voice and flailing his arms. But, then, he suddenly calmed down and looked at me with blank face. 'You won, Izaya. Congratulations. You finally won.'

A really bad feeling enveloped me just then. '... ' _Won_ '... Shinra…?'

'Izaya…' he looked me square in the eyes. 'Shizuo got shot instead of you. I guess even for a monster like him, three bullet straight through the skull can kill him. Celty made sure they didn't fire any more, using her shadows she drove them away. She made sure you weren't shot, but she couldn't stop Shizuo from getting shot. Shizuo died before you, Izaya. You won.' His expression turned sour. 'Congrats.' He spat at me, as if it were all my plan. Though, I wouldn't blame him for thinking so. After all, after all I've done, it would be second nature for anyone to presume that.

Shinra left then. Left me alone to sort stuff out. I just kept staring at the door he had left through, my head swirling with questions and doubt. I look up at the ceiling. _So… Shizu-chan's finally dead now, huh?_ I remembered my dream… that weird dream… _Why was Shizu-chan the only one able to see me? Why him of all people… Even Celty wasn't able to…_ _But he… he…_ What was this weird empty feeling? Like something had been snatched away from me. Something that was mine… I chuckle, half-hearted and sourly, as I remember him lunging for me. I was so sure he was going to hit me, but he hadn't. Instead, he had done something neither of us would have ever dreamed of. I still couldn't buy the fact that it had all been a dream, when it had felt so real… so, so real… The warmth of his body still clung onto mine. I could still feel the reassuring pressure of those strong arms as they held me. To just suddenly be told that none of that ever happened… I should be feeling glad that a monster hadn't hugged me, and maybe four months ago I would have, but I can't help but feel lost now. _Heh… I wonder if the Shizu-chan in my dream felt something similar._ He must've thought that he would never get to see me again, just like I'm thinking right now. The only difference being, is that this is not an illusion, and I was really going to never see him again.

It's funny really, him giving up his life for me, the person he hates the most. Now that I think about it, it should have been me who died four months ago and not him. They _were_ trying to kill _me_ , after all. 'Shizuo shouldn't have died… I probably deserved to die rather than him…'

' _Do you really think that?'_ I heard a voice say, but when I turned to look everywhere in the room, there was no one there. The voice didn't sound feminine or masculine. It was like that voice inside your head that would prompt you, but didn't really have a specific gender. You may think of the voice a male or female based on your own gender, but the voice is just nothing but mere words that popped up in your mind. That voice cannot be heard nor felt or sensed in any way, it is only you, who said it, that can perceive it. This voice seemed to be similar to that, so, thinking that I had just imagined it, I went back to staring blankly at the door, my mind suddenly completely empty. But, not long after, that voice spoke up again. ' _I could help you, you know.'_ This time I was sure it was real.

'Who are you?!' I shouted, facing no particular direction as I was not sure where the voice was coming from.

' _Who I am is a trivial matter. But I suppose I should tell you that I am someone that can bring Heiwajima Shizuo back.'_

I start laughing my maniacal laughter at this. "Bring Heiwajima Shizuo back" it says? Yeah right! Shizuo is dead. Gone forever. He can't be bought back. Never…

' _Untrue.'_ The voice declared, as if reading my thoughts. ' _I_ can _bring him back.'_

'Really? And what are you? A God or something? Hah! I don't believe in that kind of a thing!' I say as I start laughing.

'" _God"? Oh, no. You are mistaken. I am far from a God. If you must give this voice a name, then you can call me a demon.'_ I could sense the grin that creeped up the face of the… _demon_ the voice belonged to.

Something in me told me that the voice wasn't lying… that it was speaking the truth. I have no idea why I thought that, but I did. It's one of those things that you know, that you can just sense, without someone needing to tell you about it. 'Can you really bring him back to life?' I can feel the grin on its face widen.

' _Yes. Of course, that is, at the cost of_ your _life._ ** _'_** I feel my heart skip a beat as it says that. Now I understand. It wants me to exchange places with Shizuo, huh? ' _What's wrong?'_ It asks me, voice dripping with sickeningly fake innocence. ' _I thought that you wanted Shizuo to be alive instead of you. Or…'_ it's tone changes into one so close to the one I was so infamously known to hone. ' _Are you just afraid of dying?'_ My breath gets caught in my throat. Was I afraid of dying? ' _Heiwajima Shizuo gave up his life so readily for you, and you can't give your's up for him? And even when you were claiming so conveniently that you would just a few minutes ago!'_

But, it's easy for people to make choices like throwing your life away to save another's when the situation is how it was back then, because your mind only knows that you need to protect that person, and for that second, your life becomes secondary, saving the other's life becoming your priority. But, I couldn't deny the fact that I was, indeed, thinking that I should've been the one to die and not Shizuo. I am reminded, once again, of those strong arms; of how those eyes widened when they realised that I was alive; of how his voice was filled with relief as he uttered those words " _Izaya. You are alive_ "; of how he was the only one who cared about me. Of course, it had all only just been a dream, but I felt now that that dream had held strong meaning behind it.

I take in a large breath, and then let it out again as I speak the words 'no, I am not afraid,' with the confidence I am not sure where I got. I continue: 'I am ready to throw my life away for him.' I can sense it about to say something, but I interrupt it. 'But, I have a condition.'

' _A condition?'_ It sounds confused. ' _I doubt you have the right to ask for one. This is a mere exchange. Your life for his.'_

'Then call it a wish. I must see Shizuo before my life is taken away. You must show me proof of your claim.' _And I need to see him again, at least once, before I die._

I could feel its grin widen, and I am surprised how its face hasn't been cut in half by it yet, as it states ' _your wish shall be granted.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My exam's finally ended! I literally got to writing this as soon as I got home! XD I'm sorry for the ending, I feel like such a bad human being! XD Only 2 more chapters to go now~
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this chapter~! ^^


	3. I am right here (2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've read through Izaya's thoughts and feelings, now it's a tall blonde 's turn.

_I am dead._

I think as I walk through the streets of Ikebukuro. I could pass through people as if they were mist, and they wouldn't even feel it. Of course, _I_ would be more like the mist here, though. Ghosts are like mist, right? Always flowing around and white and all. Though, I don't look like that at all. I look exactly like myself. Tall, blonde and with the same apathetic expression I usually wore. Heck, I still wore a bartender's outfit.

I wasn't sure what caused my death, but I could ask Celty, right? I mean, she doesn't sense stuff the same way we do. Using that 'shadow' of her's and all. Plus, she's supposed to be a fairy or something, right? She could see me. She _should_ see me. Yes. that's right. With my mind made up I start walking towards Shinra's.

On my way, I spot Kadota's gang. I am just about to walk past them when I hear Kadota say '-uo shouldn't have died.' I stop then, and turn around to listen to the rest of the conversation.

'Yeah.' That guy with a blue hoodie that always hangs around with Walker said. 'I wonder what'll happen now that he's dead. There were a lot of people that feared him, you know?'

'How weird to have feared him. He's so nice!' That girl in the black dress exclaimed, to which Kadota nodded and went 'Mhm.'

'You know, it was probably Izaya's fault.' That was the other guy that drove that van of theirs.

At the very mention of the flea's name, my blood begins to boil. Yeah, it probably was his fault. Whenever is it not?!

'Togusa!' Kadota exclaims, all three head turned towards that Togusa guy.

'What? I'm probably not even wrong, you know?!' The guy throws up his hands, palms out, in defense. 'That guy always wanted him dead! Plus, isn't it weird that he died-'

A weird swirling motion attacks me, and I nearly fall down due to the dizziness. I could still feel the earth spinning when I heard him say 'he had probably planned it all, for all we know!'

I hear Kadota counteract by saying 'and then go into a-' And the same annoying-ass feeling engulfs me.

Before I know it, the four have walked far enough for me to not be able to listen to their conversation, but I don't follow them. I had no wish to listen about Izaya's plotting and planning. I continue my walk to Shinra's place. Celty'll get me fixed, and then I can beat the hell out of the flea as much as I want.

But, on my way, I encounter a duo that makes me stop in my tracks. _Tom-senpai and Varona._ I think as I head over to them, knowing they couldn't see me, but wanting to see them anyway. On my way towards them, I find myself wondering about how they must've taken my death. Tom may be cursing me for being so reckless, and I know Varona's strong, but I wonder what she thinks, too.

Though, after about fifteen minutes after reaching them, and there still being no sign of a conversation between them, I'm about to leave, when Tom-senpai says 'I still can't believe Shizuo's dead…' I turn my head towards Varona to see what her reply would be.

'Shizuo-senpai, indeed, is dead, Tom-senpai. Shall I remind you that we, ourselves, saw his dead body in the hospital?' My nearly flinch at how blunt she was being with my death, but, I guess, that's Varona for you. Whether she did miss me or not, that was her personality.

'You don't have to put it so bluntly… Plus, he wasn't dead then. Technically he was still breathing.' Tom-senpai mutters.

'True. But, you received that call, didn't you? You heard what they said. He is dead. There is nothing that can be done now. Human mortality is absolute.' I could swear that, beneath that robotic voice of her's, there was a certain softness that had developed.

So that's how they took my death. My eyes softened a bit and my body relaxed, I let go of a sigh I didn't even know I had been holding. Seeing them worry about me even after I died made me happy, even if in the slightest. As I walked away from them, I realised that even Kadota and his gang had taken my death in a similar manner. How weird… I never thought that my death would affect them so much… I didn't even think that my existence had affected them, ever. As I walk past the crowds of Ikebukuro, I hear many murmurs and talks about my death. The name that could be heard on every lip was "Heiwajima Shizuo". Some relished the fact that I was dead, some seemed confused by the fact that I could even die (of course I could. No matter how much of a monster I was, death comes to all living beings. Just how stupid were these people?!) and some seemed genuinely concerned about what would happen to Ikebukuro now that I was dead, but no matter what anyone said, there were those people who were upset over my death, simply because I was dead, and that was what was important to me. As I made my way Shinra's, I felt content.

 

* * *

 

Once I reached Shinra's I just decided to slide through the door instead of ringing the doorbell, and, even though I felt like a thief sneaking into a house, I figured it really wouldn't make much of a difference, given the fact that I couldn't really be seen.

After I entered in, I didn't spot anyone so I entered inside one of their rooms, and there they were! Must be their bedroom. _Sorry to intrude in like that._ I think, slightly embarrassed.

'Celty! Oi, Celty!' I shout, but when I get no response, it becomes obvious she can't see me either. But, I persist either ways. I go to stand in front of her and shout once again, waving my hands in the air, desperately, 'Celty! Hey, it's me, Shizuo! Celty!'

But the only response I get is a PDA in my face that reads: [Do you think he's going to be okay?] "He"? Who's "he"?

'Yeah, he'll be fine!' That was Shinra. I turn around to see him looking directly through me, at the PDA Celty was displaying.

[But… you said that, when you left the room, he had a far-away expression on his face!]

'I did say that, yes. But he's a strong person. He'll get over it all.' Shinra then turns to the side with a scowl on his face and says 'plus, he's probably just rejoicing in the fact that he won, that he outlived the monster.'

Ahh… They were talking about Izaya. And just when I don't want to hear his name. My blood starts to boil again, and I, once again, start seeing red. Celty had said something about Shinra leaving the room in which he was, so the flea's probably here. Even if I was to hit him, he would probably just slip right through me, but nothing mattered right now, because I couldn't even think straight right now, so I just go hunting for Izaya throughout the house.

Turns out, I didn't have to hunt much, because he was in the second room I checked. There, on the bed, sat a raven with, just like Celty said, a far-away look on his face, facing the ceiling. It even made me stop for a second. The expression then changed to a very forlorn one, still with a touch of distance. He seemed to be reminiscing about something, seemed to be regretting something. And then, suddenly, he chuckled. Leave it to Izaya to have such a confusing set expressions, I could feel my anger die down. His face then held the expression of someone who had lost someone very, very important to them; a smile that was not carried to the sad, soft eyes, that looked like they were on the verge of shedding tears. I couldn't look at Izaya when he had that expression on his face. It just didn't seem like him.

With my all anger and motivation now died down, I begun to turn to walk out of the room again, when I hear him whisper 'Shizuo shouldn't have died… I probably deserved to die rather than him…' I stop in my tracks, not being able to turn my head back and look at him. What kind of expression did he wear when he said that? I don't know, because, instead of looking at him, I dash out the room.

Why did he say that? What did he mean by that? No… it must be just another part of his scheme… maybe he's able to see me… but why… and how could he be able to see me… what is going on here…

I walk over to the dining table. There is no one in the living room. Celty and Shinra are in their bedroom, and Izaya… _Why did he say that?_ My mind just couldn't get over it. I sat down on one of the chairs, my anger picking up again. _Hell, I'm not the kind of person to sit and contemplate about something! He probably just did it to screw with my mind! I'm not sure how he even knew I was there, but this is Izaya and I don't trust him!_ I didn't even know that I was crushing one of the steel glasses kept on Shinra's table until I heard a loud _crack!_ _Well, Shinra's gonna have a hard time explaining this. The ghost of Heiwajima Shizuo came to his house and cracked one of his glasses._ I felt like chuckling then. Ghost. That's what I was. And even as a ghost, I had not lost my incredible strength. Great.

I got up and started walking back to Izaya's room. I have no idea what made me do that. It was an unconscious act, my body just moved on its own. As I was about to enter the room, I heard yet another thing I wouldn't have ever imagined that flea say.

'I am ready to throw my life away for him.' I heard it crystal clear. There was no mistake. And it was obvious I was the "him" getting referred to here. It made me stop in my tracks.

_Throw away his life? For me? What the heck does that even mean?! That's not even_ possible _! And who the hell is he even talking to in the first place?!_

His next words are what bring my thought process to a halt. It is obvious by now, that he is, indeed, dealing with someone. 'But, I have a condition.' He says, but then seems to correct himself as he says 'Then call it a wish. I must see Shizuo before my life is taken away.' I vaguely register him saying something after that, but the shock from this line of his is so great, I don't even listen to what he says after.

THAT _is your last wish?! Why, Izaya?! We are supposed to be enemies, aren't we?! Then, why would you give up your life for mine? And then… ask for_ that _as your last wish? Are you not happy that you have outlived me? Exchanging your life… for_ mine… _your_ enemy… _What are you thinking?!_

I barge into his room. I don't even realise I had turned the handle until I'm completely inside the room. I can tell that Izaya is confused and surprised as soon as I barge in, by the unmistakable widening of his eyes and the dropping of his mouth. But, just as I was about to conclude that he can see me, his eyes narrowed into tiny slits and he breathed out a 'what?'

_Ahh… he's just surprised that the door was flung open. On second thought, I didn't even need to open it, did I…_ It was just something I had done in the heat of the moment. I wasn't used to my ghost-body and my reflexes were that of a human being's. There was no sign of anyone being there before I entered in, so... maybe Izaya was just talking to himself? _No… that kind of conversation…_ I walk towards Izaya. If Izaya had indeed spoken to someone before I came in, and if that deal really was true… then… that man had better have granted his last wish.

'Izaya?' I call out weakly. 'Izaya?' Now with a bit more strength in my voice. 'Izaya!' I shout.

…

And his eyes grow wide again.

'Izaya!' I scream out again, as if I were scared that if I didn't, he would narrow his eyes again.

'Shizuo… ?' He mutters right when I shout. He can hear me! He can see me! _He can sense me!_

And when he smiles, you can tell it's a sad one, as his eyes start to swell up with tears, but before he can cry, I lunge at him and hold him in my embrace. I feel him flinch slightly, but he relaxes right after. It was a moment that should be recorded in the history books. The monster of Ikebukuro and the insane flea of Shinjuku, together in an embrace. And that is when the thought of leaving him hits me. No… I can't live without this guy… without all our fights… _I can't live without him._

And I find myself uttering the words I never thought that I would ever my entire life. I whisper, soft and sad, 'Izaya. Don't die.'

And then a loud, high-pitched, ringing noise engulfs me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so, here's the thing: I just found out that ao3 posted my story 'Dead or Alive' twice, so now there are two stories with literally the same content -_-|l| I'm not really sure how this happened, but since some of the readers are reading this one while some are reading the other one, I'll just continue to update both of them. They are entirely identical, so you guys don't need to worry about having to read the other one. I'm so, so, very sorry for the inconvenience...
> 
> Also, this chapter came out a little later than I had wanted it to... Since my exams finally ended, I have been busy cleaning up my room (which is still a greater mess than me. Sheesh), so I didn't get much time to spend on finishing my fanfic -_-|l| And, again, I must ask, if there should be any improvements or if there are any grammatical errors, or if you have any suggestions or advice in general for me, please do tell me! And thank you so much for your kudos and reviews; they encourage me and sometimes even make me laugh! XD
> 
> On a different note, the next chapter will be the final chapter!! I guess you all can tell where this is going, eh? XD


	4. Where are you (2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our tall blonde has an epiphany (bad summary is ad as usual. I promise the chapter's way better... ^^|l|)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Shizaya fans~! Here's the forth and last chapter of Dead or Alive! Thank you for all your comments and for leaving kudos! It really encourages me!
> 
> I'm sorry that this chapter came out soooo late! I have a habit of growing out of things and my dedication sucks -_-|l| So because I got an idea for another Shizaya fanfiction, I started concentrating on that one rather than finishing this one (I am such a bad person). And, once again, I must ask, if there should be any improvements or if there are any grammatical errors, or if you have any suggestions or advice in general for me, please do tell me!

I wake up to the sound of my alarm echoing in my bedroom. The irritating sound made me feel like my eardrums were getting pierced by a thousand needles.

'Ugh.' I grunt as slam my hand on the alarm, causing it to shatter into a million small pieces. _Ugh. Great. Now I have to buy_ another _alarm. Just how many has it been this week… Oh, well, at least the damned thing shut up!_

I hold my head in my hands as I recall the dream I had just had last night. _What the fuck was I doing?! "Don't die"? Yeah, right! Like I would care if he died! In fact, I would be happy! It's all the flea's fault for acting so weird in my dream! Why the fuck had I even dreamt of_ him _?!_ HIM _of all people!_

I forced myself to stop thinking of that strange dream and got out of my bed and went to brush my teeth and take a shower; had some breakfast. It was a perfectly normal day with my usual routine going on. After I'm done with my food, I would go to work. As soon as my stomach's full, I go back into my bedroom to change into the bartender clothes that my dear brother bought for me, and then head out. _Just a normal day._ And then I remember my dream.

'Argh!' I groan as I visibly cringe at the memory. _Well, as normal as it can get with these thoughts in my head._

'Hey, Shizuo!' I hear a voice shouting my name. I look up to see Tom waving a hand at me, a warm smile pasted on his face. Next to him stood Varona with her usual expressionless face, exuding an unwelcome aura, the exact opposite of Tom-senpai. Though, after working with her, I could tell that that's just how she was on the outside. I'm sure that she's actually a much, much sweeter person.

'Hey, Tom-senpai.' I nod at him then turn to my kouhai and nod at her. 'Hey, Varona.'

'Good morning, Shizuo-senpai.' She wishes in her ever robotic voice.

'So, where to today?' I ask Tom, facing him.

'Kind of far. The guy hasn't paid his debt since a month now…' He complains as he starts walking in the direction of our first client's home.

 

* * *

 

The day passes pretty well. Soon, it is time to go back home, and Varona parts while I stay with Tom, since his house is on the way to mine. Most of the clients gave up their money without pestering us much. Some had to be shaken up a bit. But, overall, it was a good, quiet day. _Quiet… How unusual…_ And that's when a realisation hits me. _The flea hasn't been messing around with me since morning…_

'Hey, Shizuo! What happened?' Tom's voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I realised that I had been standing in just one place for quite some time, thinking about Izaya's absence.

'Ah, nothing, nothing at all.' I say as I start to walk towards him. _It's all that weird dream's fault. It's not like he's there everyday. He may just be busy plotting and planning something somewhere, which is why he hasn't been seen around here._ But, as I walk, lost in thought, another voice gains my attention. It's a voice I don't know, but it's not the voice that causes me to go into an attentive mode, but the words that the voice forms.

'-id you hear?! They say that Orihara Izaya's dead!' I immediately turned around to see two girls in a school uniform.

'What?! Are you serious?!' It's the other one.

'Well, that's what they are saying on the Dollars' homepage.' She says this much softer, as if she didn't want anyone to hear it.

I'm not sure exactly what happened after that. Everything just went still and time itself seemed to stop. _Izaya… is dead._ No, it couldn't be possible. That guy is way too persistent and annoying to just die like that. My mind went blank and I couldn't think of anything as my thoughts stubbornly latched onto only one sentence ' _Izaya can't be dead'_. Somewhere far off I could hear the sound of someone calling my name, but the voice was too distant; seemingly intangible. I couldn't move my head to look for the owner of the voice; I couldn't even move my feet.

It was only when I felt a hand on my shoulder shaking me that I started to sense the things around me. It was Tom. I look up, not knowing what to think. _How did he die? Did someone kill him? If so, then who? How? And where?_

'Hey, you alright? I was kinda worried when you suddenly stopped like that. Even now, you don't seem very well…' Tom keeps worrying about me… He's one of the very few people that would actually worry about a monster like me... _He would probably even be one of the few people that would cry for me after I died…_

I, once again, remember my dream. How there were so many people that seemed worried at my death… And how one person tried to give up his life in exchange for mine… _Well, it_ was _just a dream._ But it felt so real... So true… like it _actually_ happened. Of course, that's not true, and even I know that…

'Shizuo?' He asks again. He looked at me, concern obvious in his eyes.

'Oh, it's nothi-' And that's when I notice it. That familiar scent that used to irritate me so much. _It's coming from way ahead._ Forgetting everything, I start running towards it. _You aren't dead. You can't be dead. You damn flea. You are alive, you understand me? You are alive,_ 'IIIIIZAAAAAAYAAAAAA!'

I keep making turns, and even if I end up in the middle of a crowd, I don't slow down. Behind me, I can hear Tom's numerous protests, but it doesn't stop me. 'You damn flea! Like hell you are dead! _I_ could never kill you! You can't die _that_ easily, you bastard!'

'Hey! Shizuo! Wait! Where are you even going?!' Tom called from behind me as he tried to catch up to me, only to fail.

'To Shinjuku to his apartment to beat his ass! Where else?!'

And without saying another word, I continue on my way to his house.

 

* * *

 

I finally reached his apartment after about half an hour. I waited for a while outside the apartment, trying to catch my breath, and then continued on inside, and into an elevator. I pressed the button to his respective floor (I knew the floor he lived on because of that one time I had gone after him to beat the shit out of him for trying to kill me by sending some guy who had gone nuts after me) and waited for the elevator to arrive at that floor.

The door soon opened with a _ding_ that indicated that we had reached and I stepped out. I didn't have to waste much time searching which house was Izaya's, since there was only one flat on the entire floor. The door in front of me was closed, but I was sure that if I rang the bell, no one would open it like last time, and I was not having any of that shit today, so I just kicked the door open. I guess I put too much force in the kick, because it kinda broke… completely… _Oh, well, can't do anything about that now. Might as well get on with what I came here for._

'Oi! Flea! Where are yo-' But I stopped mid-sentence when I saw all the boxes and the packing. I couldn't understand what was going on. Why were there so many boxes here? What happened to all his stuff? And that's when it hit me, like a light bulb appearing above my head. 'Ah! I see! So you're running away, are you?!' I see now… he first spreads rumours about his death so that no one is suspicious about his absence, and then leaves. He may even be plotting something, for which he thinks it'll be safer to be further away from Ikebukuro for. _That flea…_

A women with long, brown hair and green top comes down from the staircase. She must be that assistant of his. 'Heiwajima Shizuo?' She sounded surprised. And of course she would be. Bet you she must not have expected me seeing through Izaya's plans. How stupid does that guy think I am?!

'Yeah! Now, where's that louse hiding?!' I ask impatiently, wanting to punch the flea's face in already!

'Huh? You didn't hear? Izaya is-'

'Yeah, yeah! I've heard all those rumors!' I cut her off, not wanting to head that word being associated with his name again for some reason. 'But for all I know, it was him who spread them! Now tell me, where is he?' I pointed to all the boxes. 'He's obviously trying to run away, so I'm gonna kill him before he does.'

'Heiwajima-san, I'm telling you. Izaya really is dead. You can call the hospital. You can even search the entire house if you want, just don't unpack any of the boxes, it was a hard task packing everything. Also, all of that stuff is getting shipped overseas to his parents' house, since this flat will be sold and his sisters don't need it.' Her voice was calm and void of all emotion, like she couldn't care at all about her boss' death.

_And why would she? Why would anyone care about Izaya's death…? People would be more glad about his death than mine…_ 'Wait! How did he die?!'

She raised an eyebrow. 'You don't know? He was shot.'

'By who?!'

'By one of his clients. It was a deal gone wrong. In an alley near Sunshine 60 at around 10 at night. Honestly, it was quite a commotion. I'm surprised no one heard it… Until it was too late, of course.'

_An alley near Sunshine 60… around 10 at night… commotion…_ I remembered last night… standing at the start of a small alley near Sunshine 60 with Celty, I had heard a commotion. I was going to go in to beat the crap out of them, 'cause the noise was making me angry, but Celty asked me to let it go and not let it bother me… For her I let it be and we moved to another spot to talk… but… if I had gone in anyway, then I could have saved him… _But_ would _I have saved him? Heck, I would have tried to kill him myself…_

'Oh.' I say, not being able to think of anything else to say.

'Also,' she shouted over her shoulders as she climbed back up the stairs, 'the other movers-and-packers truck will be arriving soon, so please don't disturb them while they're doing their work.'

I went over to a sofa, head held in my hands. 'So he really did die, huh, that flea. Dammit! I was supposed to kill you! You can't just go ahead and die like that!' Anger clouding my eyes, I pick up the sofa and then throw it over my shoulder, just barely missing the computer. I hear that assistant shout, but she doesn't come down.

I keep standing at one place, trying to cool down and clear my thoughts… 'How dare you die like that… You can't die… You aren't allowed to die… I had to kill you…' I feel a weird wetness in my eyes and the feeling in my chest feels foreign. The way my eyes cloud is different from when it is clouded by anger.

_'If you want, I could help you.'_

The sudden voice jerks me out of my thoughts. But the voice isn't really a voice, more like a a chain of thoughts. So I don't pay much heed to it.

'This isn't right… No… I was sure I could still… That stench… it was still there. I knew you were alive! But, I guess I was wrong…' I continue. But when the voice speaks up again, it's not so easy to ignore.

_'You remember your dream, don't you? Izaya died because he saved you, and this is how you repay him? By throwing around his furniture and acting like you care?'_

I was so stunned I didn't know what to say…

_'I could help you exchange your life for his. You are the only one who can do this. The proof is the fact that you could still smell him. If you want proof that I can help you save him, then how about I let you sense him?'_

_"Sense him"? What?!_

'Shizu-chan!' I hear a distant voice call out to me suddenly. I flinch when I hear it. It wasn't the assistant… The voice of a male's, and more precisely, it was-

'Izaya…?'

'Shizuo!'

I mutter and he shouts, and this time I am sure it's him. I look up, and there he is, standing right before me.

My eyes widen in belief as I gasp in surprise. 'Izaya!'

_'So? What is your reply?'_ I hear the voice say. ' _All you need is to think the answer and I'll know.'_

I lunge forward at Izaya, and feel him flinch as I hug him. His body tenses up at first, but then eventually relaxes, for which I am thankful.

_Yes._ I think and state my answer as I mutter the words that will possibly be my last: 'Izaya. You are alive.'

And I can feel the voice grin as a chill runs down my spine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the story ends. I feel like such a bad human being, but I'm still going to end up writing more depressing fanfictions. I guess depressing stories are just my thing (but then again isn't that pretty much every author/fanfiction writer ever?).
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for sticking with me and reading this chapter and this entire story! Hope you liked it! ^^

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Shizaya fans~! This is my first ever fanfiction, so please do comment and give me suggestions or point out any grammatical errors that I made! This is going to be 4-shot fic, but I'm not sure when I'll be able to post the next chapter, since I wrote this in the middle of my exams. Hopefully, I'll be able to post it by next month or sooner.
> 
> Also, I know that the name sucks, but I couldn't think of a better one... Thinking of a name for the fanfic is tougher than thinking of the fanfic itself...
> 
> Thanks for reading~! ^^


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